The Gospel According to Twitter

October 5, 2015 § 1 Comment

*Originally appeared on the Mail & Guardian 31 Jan 2013, so some references will obviously be outdated.


There came a time when the people of Twitter were no longer a marginalised community. There were more than half a billion of them. And the people were looking for a code to live by, a code they could of course break with impunity. For, the people asked, what is the point of having rules if you cannot disregard them? It is written: “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.”

  1. In the beginning, Twitter created avatars in its own image, the image of an egg, and hashtagged #Favourite
  2. Come unto Twitter, all ye who are weary and burdened by Facebook and it shall give you rest.
  3. Blessed is he who always has 3G.
  4. Thou shalt not steal tweets and pass them off as your own on Facebook.
  5. He who starts twars shall not see Twitter paradise.
  6. Verily I say onto you, to block another is to pinch the tithing of the internets.
  7. Woe unto them who follow others, yet protect their tweets, for it is written (see points eight and nine):
  8. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket.
  9. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
  10. Behold, tweeps, I say unto you, that if ye mute, ye shall profit nothing.
  11. Rich is he who asks not for a follow back.
  12. Seek ye first to build with thy tweets and all these followers shall be added unto you.
  13. Blessed are the retweeters for they shall inherit the internet.
  14. Tweet unto others as you would have them tweet unto you.
  15. Be as wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove, for Twitter giveth and Twitter taketh away.
  16. When I was a Facebooker, I updated my status like a Facebooker, I thought as a Facebooker; but when I became a tweep, I put away those childish things.
  17. For I know the tweets I have for you, sayeth thy handle, tweets of peace and not of evil.
  18. Verily I say unto you, there is a special place with no 3G signal for them who put up avatars of themselves that make them look unrealistically better than they do in real life.
  19. As far as the east is from the west I say unto typo Nazis, you shall not see joy in tweets.
  20. Verily I say unto you, woe unto them who subtweet, they shall feel the wrath of frozen BBs and GSM signal.
  21. Woe unto them who only Instagram pictures of their food.
  22. Woe unto them who have had the same avatar for the last three years, and woe unto them who never show their faces.
  23. Though I read through a valley of subtweets, I will fear no subtweeter, for thy tweeps are with me and thy tweets they protect and comfort me.
  24. There is a tweet for everything, and a tweet for every activity under the heavens:
    • a time to LOL and a time to tweet: -_-;
    • a time to DM and a time to subtweet:
    • a time to tweet your friend: “Check DM now!” and a time to twitpic.
    • a time to tweet about that time you spent R24 000 at the club, and time run out of BIS.
  25. Thou shalt not twitlonger, it is 140 characters for a reason,
  26. Thou shalt not OMG in vain.
  27. Thou shalt actually be laughing when thy tweeteth, “LOL” or “LMAO”.
  28. Woe unto false prophets who anoint people twelebs
  29. I say this to you this very day, you will accidentally tweet a lewd DM and then deny it and claim you have been hacked before the cock crows three times.
  30. Love thy tweep

And the Lord sayeth, “Dear Christians, I have a sense of humour, so chill on this column.” Oh, how I wish Jesus would tweet that.



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