The Gospel According to Twitter
October 5, 2015 § 1 Comment
*Originally appeared on the Mail & Guardian 31 Jan 2013, so some references will obviously be outdated.
There came a time when the people of Twitter were no longer a marginalised community. There were more than half a billion of them. And the people were looking for a code to live by, a code they could of course break with impunity. For, the people asked, what is the point of having rules if you cannot disregard them? It is written: “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.”
- In the beginning, Twitter created avatars in its own image, the image of an egg, and hashtagged #Favourite
- Come unto Twitter, all ye who are weary and burdened by Facebook and it shall give you rest.
- Blessed is he who always has 3G.
- Thou shalt not steal tweets and pass them off as your own on Facebook.
- He who starts twars shall not see Twitter paradise.
- Verily I say onto you, to block another is to pinch the tithing of the internets.
- Woe unto them who follow others, yet protect their tweets, for it is written (see points eight and nine):
- No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket.
- Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
- Behold, tweeps, I say unto you, that if ye mute, ye shall profit nothing.
- Rich is he who asks not for a follow back.
- Seek ye first to build with thy tweets and all these followers shall be added unto you.
- Blessed are the retweeters for they shall inherit the internet.
- Tweet unto others as you would have them tweet unto you.
- Be as wise as a serpent and as harmless as a dove, for Twitter giveth and Twitter taketh away.
- When I was a Facebooker, I updated my status like a Facebooker, I thought as a Facebooker; but when I became a tweep, I put away those childish things.
- For I know the tweets I have for you, sayeth thy handle, tweets of peace and not of evil.
- Verily I say unto you, there is a special place with no 3G signal for them who put up avatars of themselves that make them look unrealistically better than they do in real life.
- As far as the east is from the west I say unto typo Nazis, you shall not see joy in tweets.
- Verily I say unto you, woe unto them who subtweet, they shall feel the wrath of frozen BBs and GSM signal.
- Woe unto them who only Instagram pictures of their food.
- Woe unto them who have had the same avatar for the last three years, and woe unto them who never show their faces.
- Though I read through a valley of subtweets, I will fear no subtweeter, for thy tweeps are with me and thy tweets they protect and comfort me.
- There is a tweet for everything, and a tweet for every activity under the heavens:
- a time to LOL and a time to tweet: -_-;
- a time to DM and a time to subtweet:
- a time to tweet your friend: “Check DM now!” and a time to twitpic.
- a time to tweet about that time you spent R24 000 at the club, and time run out of BIS.
- Thou shalt not twitlonger, it is 140 characters for a reason,
- Thou shalt not OMG in vain.
- Thou shalt actually be laughing when thy tweeteth, “LOL” or “LMAO”.
- Woe unto false prophets who anoint people twelebs
- I say this to you this very day, you will accidentally tweet a lewd DM and then deny it and claim you have been hacked before the cock crows three times.
- Love thy tweep
And the Lord sayeth, “Dear Christians, I have a sense of humour, so chill on this column.” Oh, how I wish Jesus would tweet that.