Guys will not marry women with kids

July 12, 2012 § 17 Comments

originally appeared on my news24 column on 2011-05-11 10:40

Most young guys will not marry a woman with a child. I am talking about people between the ages of 18 – 35 here. Some guys may not admit publicly that they are highly unlikely to marry a woman with a child (not everyone is Joseph who married a pregnant Mary) even though they may have a child themselves. Therein lays the hypocrisy.

But that is not the issue at play here. The discussion is about women who have children with other men out of wedlock, and then end up breaking up with those men and get left with babies to raise.

Now, before you chew my head off, I know that there are some guys who have married women who have children with another man – sometimes women with children not from just one man. Interestingly, women will marry a guy with as many children from as different women as Steve Hofmeyr.

The hypocrisy of the whole situation is that women don’t have the problem that men have. They will marry a guy with a child without much pause (yes, I am aware of the generalisation I am making. Women are more likely to have no problem with marrying a guy with a child than guys.)

A week or so ago, I asked the following question on my Facebook status: “How do you ladies feel about the fact that most guys won’t marry a woman with another man’s child?” I did not anticipate the debate that would go on the page. Men were in general agreement that they were unlikely to marry a woman with a child. The women were horrified.

Men don’t want to compete with another man. Funny enough, this has nothing to do with the child in most instances. Of course this may not make sense to women. Understandably – because it doesn’t make sense. But it makes perfect sense to guys. There is a lot of ego involved. Logic does not apply to ego.  The ego has its own rules. The ego wants what it wants in whatever way it wants it. And that’s that.

But this raises a fundamental issue in our society. First of all, you have the issue of children growing up without fathers because they are unwilling to take responsibility for the children they were very actively involved in making. And their involvement was not just that of a spectator. Oh no. It was a very active, sweaty, heavy-breathing and funny face-making moment. They were very, very involved. Now these women and children get punished for something two people were involved in.

What this means is that we have to be responsible. All of us. Men and women must stop thinking about temporary pleasure. Sometimes temporary pleasure leads to a lifetime of unplanned responsibility. And we know how many of us can’t stand responsibility, even when we’ve planned for it. Imagine one that we didn’t plan for. We all watched Intersexions people. We know what towning does, and Aids is just one of them.

The real issue here is not the woman with children out of wedlock, the issue is the men who leave them after making them pregnant. Then when it comes to the abortion issue, women are the ones who get the side-eye for going to abortion clinics when there were two parties involved. Men don’t want to tell women to go for abortions because they would rather not carry the burden of the guilt, so they won’t suggest it, all they will say is, “Do what you think you should do.” If she keeps the child, he leaves anyway. It’s tough out there for women.

Widows on the other hand are a different story. A lot of guys would consider marrying one because the woman won’t have “two” men in her life to deal with. There will be no politics with the father. There will just be a child that is one’s own now. The issue is never really about the child. It is about the father who still roams the streets.

We need to be a responsible generation. Many of us know what it’s like not to grow up with absent fathers. We know what it’s like to be raised by a single mother. Let us not do unto children what was done to some of us. We have choices and we are smarter than that. Since women are the ones who are often left with the burden of responsibility, I think that women should be extra vigilant about who gets into her pants with no rubber.

§ 17 Responses to Guys will not marry women with kids

  • zukile says:

    I’m also in that situation, most of the girls I’m dating have kids except 4 da high school ones. But my dad would kill me if I were 2 bring ihashe eliwise umnikazi walo kwakhe. In short I won’t marry someone with kids.

  • TJ bravo says:

    I agree its the other man that bothers us. About 10 months ago had a thing with a beautiful young mother but ended it due to the fact that the father and her kept on fighting about the child and all which was a thing I knew would carry on during us dating and prob our lives if we where to marry… So your right man just have to man up and take responsibility for their actions.

  • zanele radebe says:

    Hmmm! I really would love to see this discussion on a more bigger. Platform I mean khaya u are very opiontd so why not use it 4 a TV show its verY intresting!

  • Neli says:

    But de is nothing wrong ukushada women wth babies as lng as they love each other.

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  • Lu says:

    True! As a man with no kids i’d marry a widow but have issues generally with women who kids with men who are still alive.

  • m0sultry says:

    Reblogged this on Mo'sultry.

  • mbali mthembu says:

    I’m a 23year old lady wth a 3 year old baby gal dat I wud kill for! I feel wat u sayin n I cn very much relate to it. What kills me d most is being judged for having a baby bcz a guy I’m datin ends up gettin insecure dat I myt go back to d father when they don’t even know d situation btwn me n dat stupid sperm donor! We’ve all done things dat we were very comfortable wth at d tym but ended up regreting. I dnt regret my baby but yes I regret d person I had her wth bcz now I’m being denied a chance to happiness bcz of a guy dat got me pregnant n dumped me on facebook even! Ts realy tough for us women out there.

  • Teballo says:

    I believe it isn’t purely a matter of ego on the part of Baby Mama’s man. Though I must admit I would not be happy with another man (with whom my partner has a romantic history) coming into my home all willy nilly. Baby daddies are alos notorious for the “I want to be a part of my childs life now”/ ” I still love you”/ “I’ve come to a realisation” sob stories, which can sometimes lead to unresolved feelings resurfacing, Let us keep in mind that these two people shared a bond that produced a child. Let us also not understimate the jealousy of a baby daddy in making one’s life difficult.

    There’s also the child, matters relating to how this child will be raised and the discipline of the child. As a man, and a family head, I have certain non-negotiable ideals that I would want observed in my household, that baby daddy might not agree with. Furthermore, baby daddies are also notorious for openly undermining and criticising a step dad’s headship, which can make it difficult for a step father to deal with a rebellious child. This can cause a lot of confusion for a child who wants to please all these people who care about him/her, and potentially stifle a relationship between step daddy and child.

    Having grown up in a similar situation, I’ve witnessed the challenges that come with loving a woman who has a child with another man. though I do believe that it is not hopeless. It’s a matter of honest and open communication beteween all parties affected; for which, unfortunately, the responsibility lies largely with step daddy to initiate. Both men need to understand their boundaries and respect those boundaries. Baby mama has to agree with her man, stand by him and support his headship. This also touches on another topic, about more men needing to develop a strong character (too many “mickey mouse men” roaming the streets). It is quite a complex matter, but nothing a real man can’t handle. After all, he has to be the best man he can be for her, and more importantly for himself.

  • Magawula says:

    She is caring,loving,she has everythng bt its difficult 2 marry her coz she has a child.wht if she stl loves father of a child?maybe one day she wil make up thngs wth ds father of his child&il b left alone.as a matter of fact I dnt like her child its difficult for me to feed some1’s child.

  • Willard says:

    I’m 39 and can say that there is another side to the story. I have 2 beautiful kids, a seven year old girl, and a five year old boy. About 2 years ago, my ex wife decided to file for divorce because she wanted to have her way 100% of the time, even when everyone around her was telling her that she was in the wrong. She worked just as much, if not more, than I did during the kids lives. I changed just as many diapers. did at least 50% of the pick-ups and drop-offs at daycare. I took ’em to as many playdates and birthday parties that she did. I made incredible career sacrifices so that we could both maintain our jobs, and meet the needs of the kids and family.

    So, she filed for divorce in Virginia, and had me removed from our home by court order in under 48 hours. That’s right. In less than 48 hours, I had to pack up my things and say goodbye to my kids (who were devastated). She played “keep away” with the kids until I agreed to her custody terms (every other weekend) that she forced on me through her “men are abusive” attorney. I was told by all attorneys that it was a tremendous uphill battle to get what I wanted….a 50/50 split…which reflected the parenting situation within wedlock. I am a normal guy. Employed. No criminal record. No substance abuse. A soccer coach.

    Given my experience, I’m left with the question….why should men make any emotional investment into children at all? At the end of the day, when a woman files for divorce (70% of divorces are initiated by women) she has the upper hand on custody. Though laws might be written more equally these days, the bottom line is that men have practically no rights when it comes to being a parent.

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  • Marius says:

    How do you blame men for children who are raised without a father if about 70% of divorce is initiated by women? Taking kids away from their fathers, forcing father to start over with their lives and new families somewhere else? When a woman decides to file for divorce (70% of cases) she must understand the consequences of her new independence she choose. If she decides to choose that, then don’t point fingers at others (men) if it doesn’t work out for you.

    I think the author is clueless why men don’t want to date women with children. The problems I had with single moms are: (Not all women are like that, but the ones I met is as follows)

    – Kid is always a perfect excuse to have her way: Example: If she wants to go out, she get someone to look after the kid in 30min. If she don’t want to go out, then suddenly she cannot because she have a child to look after…she always get her way because she have a child to use as an excuse and the child must always come first. Hence she always get her way.

    -She drop you all the time: You only get to spend alone time with her when the kids are at their father. You plan a date put all your other plans(often even very nice plans your friends planned) aside just for her, put some extra effort in it. After ready to go, she call to say the ex is not picking up the kids anymore, she cannot go. This is where she makes her problems yours because your weekend is now ruined, wasted your time because he already told his friends that you will not join them and have other plans. Who wants to end up with a ruined weekend depending on how the dice lands with her and her ex. (oh but she is also disappointed remember …. The fact is he still wasted his time to make plans with her)

    -Single mothers are inherently married to their kids. The kids always come first, man comes last, (this is right and how it should be in terms of child raising). But it does not change the fact that the guy is always the last on the list of priorities and always have to adapt to suit her (Not good in terms of dating). Not many women would enjoy to be the last on a man’s list of priorities all the time, it’s just a raw deal in terms of dating.
    -She is your partner when the kid allows it: She cannot go out because the kid is sick or don’t have a babysitter. Why do he even bother dating her if it means he will more often than not, end up sitting at home while he usually would have been out enjoying his life with people who have time for him. Remember he cannot go out with your friends or meet other women while he is in a relationship. (You don’t have her, but cannot have your own life either)

    -The Misandrist: Many single mothers are always angry at their ex’s (often men in general) for their decisions and have this anti-male vibes they radiate that cause him to rather let her go and let her get over it or just leave het to join her feminist group. Listening on how they want to beat up their ex’s in court and how she will nail him for child support, and how does he dare want the right to still want to see the child, or just mess him up so hard that he wish he never …. Well most guys do not find that inspiring for their future with this woman. Imagine she must get pregnant with his child and decide to keep it? Shame (But it’s not as if she did not give him a solid warning) If he is such a pathetic looser why did you marry him? And made kids with him? Maybe she was just on his level right from the start but never admit it.

    -Take over your life: Often single childless men, find it hard to adapt to a woman who would enter their space, turning their lives up-side down, control their lives, chain them down, limit their freedoms, rearranging and criticizing everything he put together over the years.(While trying to be polite, she don’t want to make it to obvious, but things have to change) Not only is his paintings not welcome on his own walls anymore, or his the rug he had on the floor for 10jears is ugly and must be chucked out with his own sense of accomplishments. Oh and let him know he has no taste while you are at it, it makes it more ok to take over. Now you want to bring in a kid, which is not even his to take over his surround sound hi fi and big screen TV with his PlayStation, dirty footprints on the tiles. Don’t you dare say something, you are not his dad. While she is at it, why doesn’t she bring the other kid as well and let him listen how they fight and shout at each about, who have more ice in their cool drink and how unfair life is. Then as if things are not bad enough, here comes mommy and add to the shouting, hand out some spanking and ads more crying to the shouting. (Some guys seems to like it, not me though) All this after years of building up his life to an almost perfect life, quiet, peaceful, everything in order , everything in place as he want it. Come and go when he chooses, visit who ever, whenever he likes, eat what he want and he only need to spend money on maintaining one person. Suddenly his perfect world is in chaos. (He just bought a new apartment and already he wish to torch it and run away)

    -I do not inherently dislike kids, of cause not. I like them in a way. However I tried many attempts to date mothers with kids and every time the same problems, issues and frustrations. Every time I get the same answer. It’s just better and I’m happier, more relax and at peace just to be single instead. I have much less frustrations and disappointments that way.

    -Blame it on men: Now some women (author) cry because they cannot get dates because of men and how men are. (Yes I know men are all SCUM) But seriously, I didn’t tell you to have children, that was your own decision and you had to consider the consequences and you cannot blame other people because it’s not working out for you. You want to blame men for not being responsible. No Sorry, I mean you blame men for not being responsible for your decisions. Yes, sure she love her kids and don’t regret it. But don’t expect other people in the dating scene to lower their expectations, quality of life, and be grateful for the extra frustrations, chaos, expenses and disappointments to accommodate you and your decisions. Why should I who avoided having children for a better quality of life have to put up with hers? I choose my life without those issues. How can she now blame me (Men) for not wanting the same things she wants? (Hypocritical)

    -Take responsibility for your own decisions: I don’t go blame the world or women for my problems; Men, women and relationships have changed a lot in the last 20 years. I look at how things are and make my decisions accordingly, take responsibility for myself. I don’t have kids because I was responsible enough to know the society and laws we live with today will cause it to count against me and it would not be in my best interest to make children. I am thankful for my choices, but don’t blame me (Men) because your choices are not working out for you. I (Men) do not inherently owe you anything you can demand or point fingers for, you are responsible for your own decisions.

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