The Two most romantic stories in the Bible

March 31, 2011 § 24 Comments

The first story is about Jacob. Now Jacob, son of Isaac wanted to get married. So he went to his uncle’s crib who had two daughters. One hot. The other not so much. The oldest daughter was not so hot because the Bible says, “Leah had weak eyes.” I suspect she was squint. The younger daughter’s name was Rachel – and she damn hot too. How do I know? “For the Bible tells me so,” (sorry, couldn’t resist) the Bible tells us that  “Rachel had a lovely figure,” mind you, this was before the invention of bikinis. The Bible continues about Rachel, “and was beautiful.” And you guys thought the Bible wasn’t shallow sometimes?

Jacob wanted hot miss thang, Rachel. Duh, obviously. He was in love with her. Jacob was broke and had nothing, he offered to work for his uncle for seven years in order to afford to marry Her Royal Hotness, Rachel. Laban, Rachel’s dad agreed to this arrangement. He worked for a whole seven years to get her. As the Bible puts it, “but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.” Ahhh, so romantic.

Then the seven years came to pass and he said to Laban, “Malume, give me my wife.” Ok, now brace yourself for the next sentence. “My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.” This guy! Jacob basically said to his fiancée dad, “I wanna shag your daughter dude. It’s been a while.” Can you imagine telling your future father in-law that you want to “make love” to his daughter? The audacity of this man. In fact, give this man a Bells!

The wedding happened. She was covered, was brought to him in the night. They shagged and as we would say in the black custom to indicate that a lot of shagging happened, “They shagged and shagged, and shagged and shagged and shagged. So when morning came, there was Leah! He’d been doing the dirty with her all along.The ninja must have been so thirsty after all these years that he couldn’t tell which sister it was.

Obviously Jacob is pissed off now. He worked seven years, a whole seven years to marry the hot one, now he gets the not so hot one. His uncle, the deceitful conniving bastard says, “Sorry nyana. But according to our custom, the older daughter has to get married first.” Probably said in Generation’s traditionalist voice, Khaphela’s. Then uncle Laban also gave him the hot daughter, Rachel, but he still had to work another seven years for her too.

The second story is a short one. It’s the story of the romantic, Elkanah, the prophet Samuel’s dad. Elkanah had two wives, this dude had nothing on president Jacob Zuma. Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah had children by the truck load, or should we say camel load? Hannah on other hand had nada. He’d go to the temple with his wives every year. This dude loved Hannah even though she had no kids, yes, he loved her more than the wife who gave him children, Peninnah. Obviously Peninnah resented Rachel for this. Peninnah, who had all the kids in the marriage was always bitchy towards Rachel who couldn’t have children. So she’d always be crying and would not eat. Elkanah would always say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you more than ten sons?”

I think the, “Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons” bit is the most romantinc thing I’ve read in the Bible. For what he is saying is this, I don’t love you for a reason. The only reason I love you is because I love you. You don’t have to do anything for me to love you. All you have to do is be you. That is all. Nothing less, nothing more. It’s almost a prophetic image of Christ who loves us despite ourselves. We don’t have to do anything for him to love us. He loves just nje.

Pastor Khaya over and out.

 

 

Tagged: , , , , , , ,

§ 24 Responses to The Two most romantic stories in the Bible

  • Awwwwwww …..i always thought Jacobs story was romantic.

    Everyone see’s Hannah’s story in relation to Samuel tho…never looked at this way… 🙂

  • StephanieIj says:

    Beautiful piece. Kinda funny to read bible stories in such light too. (y)

  • Phury says:

    Wow…… I love the way you made this story your own. Never heard of Hannah’s tho.. Can you give me the verse in the bible please?

  • Brian says:

    I like in particular, that story… where that woman washes Christ’s feet with perfume. That’s very romantic, although they were not, apparently, not romantic. Jesus must’ve made women drool.

  • Thembi says:

    Very nys,stories, if u wer a priest everybody wil be o church every sunday,mhhh lots of shagging ,stories wil be told @ church,,and about hot ladies,,

    • Nozi B says:

      The reason why Soddom and Gommora Thembi was destroyed, #just saying, look it up, so i would do such at church, #just a thought. I am not hating.

  • mabijo says:

    I like! Had to check the bible if jacob truly said ‘….I want to make love to her’ and lo, he did!!!!

  • Kgahlego says:

    I love the second story-where in the Bible is it? Would love to read it. Love Bible love stories, they always speak of that unconditional “love at 1st sight” kinda love-like with Isaac & Rebekah. He didn’t know her from a bar of soap, but when he met her, he fell in love. Kinda pokes at our know notion that you must meet, date for years to see if “it can work”. Back in those days you didn’t love someone because you felt they were the perfect person for you. If that was God’s choice, you loved that person because of that fact-not because they met your standards. For example Hosea and his wife. That woman was a prostitute but Hosea loved her and married be because God told him to. How many people in this day & age would do something like that?

  • Ebee says:

    That was a very good way of telling the story make more pple interested in reading the word of God.

  • Gcobani says:

    Awwww! The Bible is filled with so many romantic stories. I love how you ended your blog.

  • Nozi B says:

    Its funny, very light, but that the most paraphrase version of the bible i have ever heard.

  • Shelley Walters says:

    I always feel badly for Leah, for her there was no happy ending. Her father had to deceive a man in order to get her married off and the night after he had his way with her she woke up to a face covered with disappointment. Can you imagine how she must have felt? Imagine over hearing the conversation between Laban and Jacob the next morning!?
    Unlike today, Leah never had the “option” of divorce – she never had another chance at finding true love. (she also never had the option of corrective eye surgery)
    But in all this, God loved her – and I am sure He felt her pain more acutely than anyone, possibly even her.

  • Lindsay says:

    Love it! Thanks Khaya 🙂

  • noni says:

    Their love for each other makes them question the level of GIVING to each other (story 2). To focus on giving automatically makes you a receiver 10th fold. Beautiful story. Omnye uthi “andikwanelisi”, nomnye athi “kanti mna andikwanelisi?”. That’s freaken deep, and from how the story is written, the questioning is not born of one mistreating or belittling the other, oh bethuna.

  • Yolanda says:

    nice… 🙂
    Although I was half hoping you would finish Hannah’s story to the part where she had to go home and “know” her husband lol…. cracked up the first time I read that part

  • Leanne says:

    Beautiful. Funny. Heartwarming. True.

    This is my favourite piece of yours so far. keep ’em coming…

  • Sonto Madida says:

    Hahahha good one! Some patience Jacob had, not shagging for 7years damn!

  • keneilwe says:

    I love them s00000 sweet

  • Nthabeleng says:

    I’m in tears. I like the humor of it all. Had moments where I wanted to shout Amen…

  • robert says:

    what story is the second one from, what book and verses

  • Wamkelekile says:

    Hayke thank u pastor Dlanga in the making,eish that Jacob story working for seven years and not getting wat u worked for not Ayoba…..ha uncle!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading The Two most romantic stories in the Bible at Khaya Dlanga's life on the "internets". All on one blog..

meta

%d bloggers like this: