Women want men to lie to them
April 29, 2009 § 2 Comments
I wrote this a while back for True Love Babe when they were still around. It was going to be a regular column (until they went defunct) based on a fictitious relationship between two fictitious characters I named Anonymous Boyfriend and Anonymous Girlfriend. All the columns would be written from the perspective of Anonymous Boyfriend
I feel it is my fundamental duty as a man to lie. Before you bite my head off allow me to explain myself.
I was sitting in front of my TV wishing I had a bigger one (bigger TV that is) with Anonymous Girlfriend a few days ago. She was leaning against my chest when she asked me a peculiar question. “Do you find other women attractive?” When I first heard the question I wasn’t sure whether it was an innocent question or not. And so I avoided answering it by saying, “Sure I find Beyonce attractive.” I knew that answer would not get me in trouble because she’d laugh. I was wrong. She didn’t laugh. Instead she leaned away from me and looked into my eyes and said, “You know what I mean.”
As soon as those words left her lips my mind went to the races. I wondered about many things. Was this a trap? If I say yes I find other women attractive will I be signing my own death warrant? And if I say no I don’t find other women attractive surely she will know that I am lying, mainly because Anonymous Girlfriend always knows when I am being economical with the truth. What to do, what do to do? I could only think of one man who could extricate himself from this position without getting into any sort of trouble. That man would be King Solomon. Unfortunately he is no longer with us, which meant that I could not consult him for desperately needed advice. It was at that point that I prayed and asked for guidance and wisdom from above in order to navigate this treacherous terrain.
“Lord,” I prayed, “won’t you grant me the wisdom to lie to Anonymous Girlfriend. Won’t you give me the strength to tell her that I don’t find other women attractive? I know that I shouldn’t be asking you to help me lie because well, you say in your book lying is a bad thing. Please, won’t you do me this favour just this one time? Won’t you help me by blinding her to my lie?” All this happened in my mind in about half a second. Perhaps she noticed my hesitation because she said, “Be honest. You don’t have to lie, being attracted to other people is perfectly normal.” I couldn’t believe my ears upon hearing that. I was free to tell truth. “Yes, I find other women attractive.” There was a brief silence. I became uncomfortable.
Then she asked me another question about her best friend, “Do you find Anonymous Best Friend attractive?”
Perhaps I should go into a bit more detail about Anonymous Girlfriend’s best friend. She is hot. Really, really hot. Did I say hot? I think I did. Since I had been given the freedom to tell the truth I felt comfortable. Now, don’t get me wrong, Anonymous Girlfriend is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She is gorgeous. Since I had been given carte blanche I was honest. “Oh yes, I think she’s really hot.” I said trying to sound nonchalant but I think the words came out of my mouth more enthusiastically than I intended. To this day I have no idea what happened next because Anonymous Girlfriend let go off my hand, grabbed her bag, her car keys, opened the door, walked out. All I was left with was the sound of the door banging behind her. What the hell just happened I asked my puzzled self. I walked after her and told that she said to tell the truth. Silence.
“But you said it’s normal for people to find others attractive.” Silence.
She got into her car and drove off. She might have even tried to run me over. But I exaggerate. The point I’m making here is that she was upset.
As she drove off, it was at that point that I had a revelation from the depths of my spirit, “I should have lied. I should have said she is an ugly fat pig.” I thought to myself. Even if she had been able to tell that I lied perhaps that would have been the best thing for me to do. What Anonymous girlfriend failed to hear in her moment of irrationally (of which there are plenty) is that I never said that Anonymous Best Friend was more attractive than her. I just said that she was pretty.
I have come to the following conclusion then. Even when women say that they want us to tell them the truth about certain things, they don’t really want it. They hope we tell a lie. Even if they know. I have heard many dudes tell the same story I just told. They are implored to tell the truth only to be punished for saying, “Yes honey, I think those jeans do make you look fat” even though the girl in question had requested honesty. The common reply is, “So you’re calling me fat?” There is no winning.
If there are any men reading this right now I would like you to join with me and bow your head in prayer. Let us pray. “Give us strength and foresight; O Lord to know when we are asked tricked questions that might get us into unnecessary trouble. You know Lord we can’t lie on our own. So we ask that you grant us the skill of lying when the need arises. And finally Lord, I pray for myself now. Lord, in case Anonymous Girlfriend sees this won’t you make her believe me when I say someone else wrote this? Amen.”