Why I’m a$king for a raise

April 14, 2009 § 3 Comments

A few years ago I wrote my then employers the following note asking for a raise (during a recession). I got it.

Before I go into the reasons I would like to thank you for taking time from your busy day to read these lines on this particularly trivial issue. Ok, it’s not as insignificant to me as I am making it seem, I’m sure you can tell by the mere fact that I have decided to write about it. Ha ha ha! Excuse me for laughing out of turn, I am a tad bit nervous. The second thing I would like to do is apologise for the uninspired headline. Please don’t start wondering why I think I should get a raise based on this poor display of what I am paid to do. This is just to convince you that giving me a raise is not such a bad idea.

Anyway, here goes.

1. I am still single. This situation it seems won’t change until I am mobile. Naturally a bulging wallet (which it is not at this point) will help rectify this situation.

2. I am short. Being short and car-less really puts me at an added disadvantage.

3. Having a car will go a long way in helping me achieve one of my goals, that of acquiring a wife. Did I say “acquire”? I’m sorry. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to acquire cows for you know what. These cows aren’t cheap these days you know. (For those of you who aren’t South African I need to explain the cow story. We pay cows, now it’s money, to brides parents. This is done in order to establish a relationship with the future in laws. It’s a long story)

4. I have also started to notice a rather disturbing trend. My sneakers are starting to wear out. Obviously this means I need to buy new ones. As you know, everywhere is within walking distance if you have the right shoes, ha ha ha! Oh boy, there goes that nervous laugh again!

5. Have you noticed the price of everything lately? Outrageous! Not only do we have to pay for the food but for the shopping bag as well!

6. I know what you are thinking. You think I am selfish, all I think about is myself. But I am not. I won’t be spending my larger cheque solely on myself. I will make sure that some of the loot goes to the taxman, tipping waitresses (particularly the pretty ones) and car guards (assuming of course this is made possible).

7. No, I will not give any to the street kids. I am not plagued by feelings of white guilt because I’m not! Instead I will give a generous percentage to charity. And there is one particular charitable organisation I have in mind, the National Lottery. They do a great job in distributing money to all sorts of charitable causes like turning ordinary Joe Soaps into millionaires. A truly noble cause.

8. Yes, it’s true, money can’t buy me happiness, but it will buy me a whole lot of shallow satisfaction!

I hope you will find my arguments compelling and persuasive enough to consider them and of course, to discuss the issue with me. Till we talk. Oh, by the way, I art directed this myself.

This message is brought to you by the Society for the Enrichment of Khaya.

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