Not Friend zoned but Jesus zoned. There is no greater curse.

February 10, 2009 § 3 Comments

We’ve been going on about being friend zones for some time now.  Some people didn’t know that there is an even tougher zone than the Jesus zone. What is the Jesus Zone they ask? Well, I have been a victim. Consider this Confessions of the Jesus Zoned.

Being Jesus zoned is even more cruel than the Friend zone. See, it’s possible to escape the friend zone. I am yet to meet a man who has braved the Jesus zone and came out alive to tell the tails of his conquest. Fellas, you don’t want to meet this woman. She is nice, very friendly and extremely kind. So kind in fact that you think that she may have the hots for you. But alas, she just has the hots for sweet baby Jesus. Not you. No siree, no. You will also identify her by her church side hugs.

Let me tell you my tail.

There is nothing more annoying than asking a girl out and she gives you the, “I’m sorry I can’t go out with you because I’ve found Jesus,” line. As if Jesus was lost. And now that she has found him, he needs her to look after him until he is nursed back to health. Worse, they say I’m trying to get my relationship with Jesus in order first. I think that an honest, “Dude, I don’t want to go out with you,” will do. It bruises the ego but at least it’s honest. Besides, the male ego is resilient and optimistic. It’s too big. It’s too wide. It’s too strong. It won’t fit. It’s too much. Basically a really big ego.

A friend of mine who shall remain Khaya (yes, laugh) once got the Jesus line. Being the eternal optimist he said to the dear lady, “At least I lost to a better man. He’s perfect, how can I compete?” So I, (I mean Khaya.) Let’s try this again. So Khaya didn’t take this as being turned down. But he knew he knew he had the wool pulled over his eyes. One day however, Khaya went back to her and told her to say what she didn’t want to say. He said, “You know what, I want you to say it because I’m not going to say it for you.” He didn’t want someone try to protect his feelings. (Not that he actually has any. OK, just kidding).

“You can do it.” He coached her. After much encouragement she eventually said it. “It’s not going to happen.” She said it like she didn’t want to say it. My dear friend Khaya leaped to his feet and said, “You see, it’s not so hard. I’m not dead, I’m not crying and Jesus still loves you!” He almost gave her gold star.

Ladies, stay away from using Jesus as an excuse. Sure he’ll forgive you but that line is worse than the favourite guy pick up line, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” and that’s unforgivable.

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